I was divorced in 2001 after eighteen years of marriage. I have no intent to assign blame in this post—if blame were assigned I am only beginning to see that I deserve much more than I would have earlier admitted. I only want to speak of the experience of divorce itself, but even in that I can only speak of my own experience. My feelings in the midst of divorce may not be the same as another’s. These are my own personal feelings about my own divorce.
These are the emotions and thoughts I felt and thought. Whether they accurately reflect the reality of the situation or whether they correspond with God’s own compassionate understanding of the circumstances is of little consequence because they are nonetheless what I felt and thought. Whether right or wrong, this is what I experienced.
I have rarely spoken or written of my divorce. I’m not sure why—it still hurts and I certainly don’t want to speak for or about my ex, but perhaps it is mostly because these feelings still persist in some ways. I share them here for the first time in writing though I have spoken about them (but only on two occasions).
Incredulous. I wanted to cry out “this is not the way it is supposed to be!” I did not marry in order to get divorced. Even now—almost seven years later—it is still difficult to believe that I am a “divorced person.” I still feel it even though I have remarried and enjoy a new relationship with Jennifer.
Failure. What could I have done differently? How could I have messed up the most important thing in my life? I failed at the most important relationship in my life. How could I feel good about that? How can I recover from that? If I failed in this, what does this say about me and about any future relationships I might have? How can I minister to others when I failed to minister to my own wife?
Hurt. Not only, of course, my own hurt, but the hurt that reverberates throughout the lives of my children and others. This is generational pain that entails wounds that will affect my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. My heart hurts not only for my own loss but the losses that are yet to be felt in the lives of those connected with me.
Guilt. God hates divorce, and so do I. I have felt the burden of the sin of divorce on many occasions; I have felt the guilt of failure. My marriage did not image the oneness of God’s own loving community. Instead, brokenness and woundedness destroyed my marriage’s oneness.
Shame. This is the most nasty of all feelings. It is more devastating than guilt. I feel guilt for my part in my divorce–guilt relates to what I have done. But shame is something I feel because of my identity as a “divorced person.” Shame relates to who I am; it is a mode of existence. It reaches to the core of my own self-image.
Rejection. The rejection may even be mutual, but the feeling of rejection is nevertheless real. Whether the rejection is passive in the sense of distance or withdrawal or whether the rejection is something else, the result is the same. At one time one feels chosen—the one the other wants and desires, but now rejected. Now the divorced—on both sides—feel unchosen.
Embarrassment. Wearing the big “D” on the forehead is like wearing the scarlet “A”. The failure, hurt, shame and rejection are public—everyone knows about it. Some disconnect from you. Some distance themselves. Others don’t want their children to marry your children. Some churches don’t want you to serve among them. I sometimes didn’t even want to show up at the assembly. Who am I to minister to people when I could not even minister to my own wife?
Brokenness. Life is different. Everything, it seems, has changed. Loneliness becomes a part of life in a way that it had not before. It seems that it will never be the same again. Who can put Humpty Dumpty back together again? I wondered whether I would ever heal and in some ways I still have not healed. The trauma is massive.
Disconnected from Community. I became uneasy with my old circle of friends, especially the married ones. It didn’t seem the same anymore. I stuck out like a sore thumb. Being with married friends only reminded me of the pain of my loss and the reality of my loneliness. They were not the problem, but my circumstances took me to places in my mind that skewed even their best efforts to show me friendship.
Jealousy. I confess it. I am jealous of those whose marriages have survived for 30, 40, 50 years. I wanted to be in that number myself and thought I would be. I do rejoice with others at those anniversaries…but I also admit that have a strong tinge of envy and jealousy at the same time. My brokenness remains with me.
How do you help? I’m not sure but perhaps I will offer a few thoughts later. But for now just sit with me as I experience my own feelings. Sit with me without judgment, without correction, without condemnation…but as a friend ready to listen, pray and embrace.
Recommended Reading. For the questions surrounding the practical theological and ethical issues, I would recommend Rubel Shelly’s recent Divorce & Remarriage: A Redemptive Theology. For practical spiritual, emotional and redemptive perspectives on divorce and life after divorce, I would recommend Dana Hood’s recent I Will Change Your Name: Messages From the Father to a Heart Broken by Divorce.
April 5, 2008 at 9:47 pm |
Even though you don’t know me, I hope you will consider this the presence of a friend and sister sitting, in silence, with you.
I’ll be praying for you.
April 6, 2008 at 12:34 am |
I think I know why you may not have wanted to talk about it. Shame and embarrassment are are all to present. I readily grasp those emotions. I thank you for leading the way for the rest of us to say with you. I am divorced and I hate it.
It is most interesting that you should put this here right now. I actually wrote a blog called “Dates that Changed History” and simply did not have the courage to publish it. Perhaps this was an example of Harding’s special providence.
I thank God you are my friend.
Seeking Shalom,
Bobby V
April 6, 2008 at 4:58 am |
Thank you for sharing your heart, John Mark. Your openness helps those who aren’t divorced to be a little kinder, gentler, and less harsh with those who are.
Que Dios te bendiga, in every way!
April 6, 2008 at 6:44 am |
I think this is such an important subject for all to grasp. After all, our communities and churches are filled with divorced people. Jesus calls us to love and encourage the broken hearted – and we sometimes do not know how. Thank you.
April 6, 2008 at 8:11 pm |
Bobby, I know how difficult it is to say the words “I am divorced.” We share something which neither of us ever wanted or ever dreamed we would experience.
Jim, Q and JD, thanks for your caring words. May churches demonstrated God’s compassion as God’s people.
April 6, 2008 at 9:02 pm |
Thank the God of Heaven for his redeeming blood, and His becoming one of us so that we can know him. Brother, I sat, read, listened, and prayed as my eyes read your post on how you feel. Love to you Brother!
April 7, 2008 at 8:08 am |
Dr. Hicks, Thank you for your transparency here. I think a lot of people wrestle with many of these emotions, whether for divorce or some other reason, but are too ashamed to talk about them. While I believe the Church should be against divorce, our job is not to be against divorced people. I pray that we will continue to be more redemptive in how we approach these situations.
April 7, 2008 at 11:04 am |
John Mark,
Thank you for this post and the one following. I am divorced – living near my children (neither my wife or myself would be in this wretched place if it weren’t for these girls).
It has been almost nine years – I still FEEL these things at one level or another.
Bobby – I wish I had known…
This post is timely, I have been remarried for six years. Things are better than the first – I am more mature… certainly not as mature as I wished… but it is still not as easy as I think it should be. In fact just this morning I thought – “what if” – I did not entertain the thought long… but it did cross my mind.
These posts remind me that I too hate divorce and it’s consequences.
Please pray for my family – the one under my roof and across the county.
April 7, 2008 at 3:52 pm |
What a great place for broken and struggling people to come! I truly appreciate your openness and honesty. My prayers are with you!
April 7, 2008 at 10:20 pm |
Thanks for sharing and putting yourself out there in such a vulnerable way.
I don’t know what it is like to be divorced and I hope I never do. But being able to read the experiential feelings to something I have never experienced does help me be more understanding to those who share your experience.
Rex
April 9, 2008 at 9:35 am |
Thank you for sharing this with us. Most people are silent on this issue, but you gave heart to the pain.
http://www.matthewsblog.waynesborochurchofchrist.org
April 9, 2008 at 12:58 pm |
Mike and I cherish the memories and lessons you gave at the Preachers’ Retreat in Wisconsin. The “Five Anchors for the Soul” you shared with our small congregation in Oconomowoc and the time you spent with us have left a lasting impression. I believe it was the following summer that Joshua gave up his soul to God. It was through Bobby we learned of your divorce. I vividly remember the deep sorrow I felt that you should endure this additional horrific pain in your life. Though divorce had not been a part of any member of my family, I now have a divorced niece. My sister shares with me the constant and incredible pain it creates. A brother-in-law of my daughter and a sister-in-law of my other daughter are facing divorce after only 2 and 3 years of marriage. Thank you again for giving voice to the pain they and others feel. May God grant you Shalom.
April 9, 2008 at 1:42 pm |
Deborah, I remember well the time in Wisconsin. It was a real joy and quite intimate as we shared together amdist a small group of people. Thank you for your continued friendship and blessing in my life.
April 9, 2008 at 2:02 pm |
John Mark,
Thanks for sharing. I hope that by understanding these feelings I will be more sensitive. As an elder I’m sometimes overwhelmed buy the hurt being experienced and in those situations I’m useless.
Peace my friend
April 9, 2008 at 2:39 pm |
Thanks, Matt and Keith. If my post creates a little bit of sensitivity, I am grateful.
Keith, glad you had the opportunity of hearing Gaffin (as per your email recently).
April 10, 2008 at 12:12 pm |
[...] to John Piper’s post in which he quotes C. S. Lewis on writing. Very helpful. John Mark Hicks on "Divorced People–What Do They Feel?" John Frye has written a fine piece, [...]
April 10, 2008 at 3:59 pm |
Dr. Hicks, You expressed clearly and succinctly exactly what I felt and continue to feel about my divorce, though it’s been almost 15 years, and I, too, am happily remarried. The hurt that has been the hardest to “get over” (if there is such a thing) is the fact that I was unable to keep our home intact for our children. I absolutely hate the term “broken home”, though that is exactly what it is!
April 17, 2008 at 6:41 am |
John Mark,
I also shared these thoughts with Bobby. I was also once divorced, and although that was many years ago and I have been peacefully married to a wonderful woman for 17 years, the big D is always with me. Like you, my perspective of the scriptures changed radically. For many months Job was my favorite book. I can understand the pain in the Psalms often. The unseen blessing was how God made use of my failure as a husband to build a stronger connection to my children, to dear friends whose marriage survives but just barely, and to build the foundation that I have with my wife. The pain from times past still lingers, like old joints on a cold morning. Three passages from my Father took on a reassuring meaning for me (all NLT): Paul’s thoughts to the Corinth church, “God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us”; Elizabeth’s joy, “How kind the Lord is! He has taken away my disgrace”; and from the Psalmist, “Lord, my heart is not proud;my eyes are not haughty. I don’t concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me to grasp. Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother’s milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord—now and always.”
Alan
April 17, 2008 at 8:09 am |
Thanks, Alan. I especially the words from Scripture…”he has taken away my disgrace.”
April 17, 2008 at 9:32 am |
Thank you. Thank you for writing these painful words. They so well describe much of my own experience.
Though I am a former student of yours, I had no idea of this more-recent trauma in your life. I’m thankful to know, along with this news, that the Lord has given you a good measure of healing and joy since then. But I also know with you the spiritual, emotional after effects that are yours to bear.
I was relieved to read about someone else’s jealousy. It embarrasses me and makes me feel ashamed again. I’m supposed to “rejoice with those who rejoice,” right? But sometimes I don’t.
One emotion of mine that I didn’t expect so much was fear. So much of my adult life has been poured into becoming the best minister I could be. But in our circles, it hasn’t been that long since “divorced minister” was an absolute contradiction. How would I make a living? How could I pay child support if I lost my job and couldn’t get another one? Never before had I felt like I was so close to the edge. When I saw “The Pursuit of Happyness,” I cried my eyes out and realized how afraid I had been for so long.
April 17, 2008 at 10:53 am |
Dear Dr. Hicks and Bobby Valentine also.
While not divorced I have witnessed the tragedy in my immediate family. My prayers are for both of you and the several other Men of God whom I know personally who have been struck by Satan in the same manner as you. Surely this divorce thing among preachers is always happening but it seems to me that the worse started in the 1970s when feminism raised its ugly head. Just as Satan attacked Adam (and God) through Eve he still uses this method today.
April 17, 2008 at 12:44 pm |
Frank,
Thanks for your empathetic words, my friend. I do deeply appreciate them.
Bill,
I don’t know if the attacks are more than they used to be, I just know they’ve been present in the lives of many people.
John Mark
April 20, 2008 at 6:41 pm |
Feminism is to blame? Women wanting to be respected and treated as persons instead of property? Is abolition to blame for racism, then?
Or do we still live by the words of the early church fathers, that as women we are “all Eve” and the “gateway of satan”? Have we not seen that Christ redeemed male AND female from the fall? Are you seriously saying that women asking to be treated as persons is the fall of marriage? Are there no men responsible for the disintegration of that bond? It seems to me that even as it takes 2 to make the covenant in the first place, it just as often takes two to break it.
I am sickened by this attitude and appalled that it is still held by men who claim to follow Christ, the one who came to set us free.
July 23, 2008 at 6:28 am |
I too shared the hurt of divorce and the guilt and jealousy felt at the celebration of a friend’s landmark anniversary. After divorcing my husband after 25 years of severe physical and emotional abuse, I found myself still regretting that I couldn’t be one of those celebrating my own landmark. However, I now force myself to remember the wonder of God’s grace and forgiveness for whatever failure I had in the marriage’s demise (though in all honesty, I did not do much to bring it about,) and I recall His goodness in finding a truly loving new spouse for me, 5 years after I divorced. We have been happily married for 11 years- so God willing, we will have our own landmark anniversary- though every anniversary is a blessing!
Moving on is critical- we must look at the finish line and run the race without looking back- leaning on the Saviour and being grateful for another chance at marriage. We must get out of the mud patch and brush ourselves off and keep running. Moreover, we must remember that no matter what anyone says, or how the church treats divorcees, our God knows all- and He is more compassionate than any man can be to us.
I find it is helpful to remember Philippians 4:8 ”
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things.”
Blessings to you from one who understands,
Glenys Hicks
July 23, 2008 at 10:07 pm |
Thank you so much for your candor John Mark. I can relate so well to the other believers who have been devastated by divorce. I believe I tried everything within my power to keep my marriage and family intact. I just about gave away everything. However, it takes two to make this happen and I was the only one really trying. I’m sure I didn’t do everything perfectly but I certainly didn’t deserve the treatment I received by my then husband, the sister in Christ whom I thought was one of my best friends and others who were allowed into our marriage through adultery. What my “sister in Christ” did in entering into an adulterous relationship with my husband has been the most difficult to overcome. If anyone came the closest to totally destroying me, it was her. She set the stage for others to enter into my home and almost destroy me and my children’s lives. And She knows who I’m talking about. Even after I confronted her she blamed me for what happened and became defensive and hostile. I try to pray for her soul.
The reaction of other believers was equally tragic as I experienced other Christian couples with whom we socialized avoid me and my children and never ask what they could do to help. I truly felt like a leper and my children were further traumatized by losing the friends they once played with freely and happily. When I needed love and support the most in my life they abandoned me as my husband had.
The Church had and has the opportunity to minister to people forced into divorce or otherwise and all too often seems to take the low road rather than the high road.
Who is going to change this trend? Only those in leadership can. I hope and pray they awaken and do so.
February 8, 2009 at 10:32 pm |
I am a southern baptist minister who now drives a truck around the country because I am a leper within my own denomination. I feel so ashamed and fearful. I have three boys who I love and miss dearly. I do not get to see them that often due to my job. Tonight I sit here crying my eyes out and pouring my heart out to our Lord. I long for the peace that only Heaven will bring.
February 9, 2009 at 8:08 am |
My heart hurts with you. I understand the pain. I trust you may find a faith community–a loving, redemptive people of God–who will receive you, love you and support your renewal as I have found in my community at Woodmont Hills Family of God in Nashville. Blessings, my friend.
March 28, 2009 at 6:15 pm |
[...] Divorced People–How Do They Feel? How do you think theyfeel? They hate divorce more than anyone except–perhaps–God. [...]
March 31, 2009 at 1:48 pm |
[...] Divorced People–How Do They Feel? How do you think they feel? They hate divorce more than anyone except–perhaps–God. [...]